rating: 1/5

Book Review: Inferno, by Stormy Glenn

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glenn-infernoInferno, by Stormy Glenn
Series: Pacific Cove, Book 1

Rating: 1 out of 5

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I don’t know why I bought this book. I honestly cannot tell you what my thought process was, to make me decide to buy this. I mean, I love cheesy erotica, and shifter novels, and twins, and probably all of these things factored in. Plus, the writing in the sample chapter was solid, definitely readable.

But I spent the entire time I was reading it wishing I’d spent a few bucks on a cup of coffee and donut instead.

Look, this is erotica, so it’s pretty much porn without plot, which I’m fine with. In fact, I’m pretty sure the basic premise– lonely, geeky boy who is not loved by his family finds that he is destined to mate with two super hot twin shifters– is a big reason for why I read it. Mindless, glorious fluff.

Still… a whole lotta “nope” for me!

1. Stop talking about “owning” people in a relationship. It’s not sexy. It’s creepy.

Abe and Ben are alpha males. They’re shifters, okay, I get it. But they alternate between treating Danny like he’s a piece of hot ass that they can own, and like he’s a fragile vase to put on a shelf. Danny is obviously a grown up. He’s survived his crap-tastic family, he’s going to school, supporting himself. Yes, he’s super klutzy, but he’s obviously not bothered by it.

So why do Abe and Ben have to act like he’s a cow that they bought at auction?

“Do you know the victim, sir?”

Ben glanced at the detective taking his statement. “Yes, his name is Daniel Lake.” He didn’t care if they hadn’t gone through the official commitment ceremony. Danny was his and Abe’s and he dared anyone to say otherwise. “He belongs to me and my brother.”

2. Unrealistic timelines

Danny meets Abe and Ben. He has sex with them like a day later. It’s true love.

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Even Danny points it out in the novel… just because they’re mated doesn’t mean they’re instantly compatible.

“Are you sure about this?” Danny asked hesitantly. “I mean, how can you know for sure we’re supposed to be together? This isn’t a romance novel.”

(Of course, two seconds after saying this, they’re having sex. So.)

And then there’s the background relationship between Nurse Betty and Vinnie (one of Danny’s friends). This novel happens over like two days. At the beginning of the novel, Danny introduces them. TWO DAYS LATER THEY’RE PLANNING THEIR WEDDING. Seriously.

3. Unrealistic sex

Oh my god. Stop it. Please.

Danny had just experienced six orgasms in less than an hour, no doubt a record for pretty much any man breathing.

What?!

And then the double penetration, which was another huge WTF moment.

I just.

No.

NO.

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4. Implying a plot but then not following through

This is such a pet peeve. If you’re going to write erotica with no plot, awesome. If you’re going to write erotica with a plot, also awesome. But don’t hint at all of this plot and then just ignore it until it’s convenient.

Bear shifters! Wars between shifters and hunters! Great tragedies in the past! Abe and Ben’s family! All things that were mentioned like once, and then ignored unless needed.

And don’t even get me started on the “villain” of the story. Let’s just say it was even more unbelievable than the six orgasms in 60 minutes thing.

Final Verdict?

There’s erotica that’s so bad that it’s good. This is not that. I was hoping it would be, because I really love cheesy erotica, but just nope. A whole load of nope. (But hey, it’s really short, so there’s that going for it?)

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Buy Link: Amazon

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Review: Discovery (Drakyl Ranch), by Thianna Durston (Rating: 1/5)

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durston-discoveryDiscovery, by Thianna Durston (Drakyl Ranch, Book 1)
Publisher: NQWYE Press (September 1, 2015)
Page Count: 154 pages
Genre: Gay (M/M) Paranormal/Horror, Romance

Rating: 1 out of 5

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I am honestly not sure how I finished this book. I bought it on pre-order, before there was a first chapter to take a look at, because the summary sounded really interesting. But my god, every single page was an uphill battle until I finally reached the end.

In a nutshell? Don’t waste your money. Let me put this into perspective for you: I think Twilight was a better vampire romance than this book.

So, basic premise: there are vampires (vampyr) and drakyl. The former are disgusting and withered and smell terrible and are so stereotypically evil that I honestly expected Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove to spring out of the pages. The latter are everything good and amazing, handsome and with long life spans but also blood-drinkers. Oh, and the vampyr really hate the drakyl for what is, I guess, some kind of xenophobia/racism thing?

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And in the midst of it all is Aaron, a guy on a Montana ranch who is “allergic to the sun”, and Jaret, the super hot British guy who helps Aaron realize that he’s actually a drakyl. Because Aaron’s last name– which is, no surprise, Drakyl– doesn’t give that away.

There are plot holes big enough to devour an elephant. There are sex scenes that had me cringing (seriously, monster cocks and guys coming for 10 to 15 minutes at a time, gross). The bad guys are so “evil” that they were just pathetic. The writing makes me think that the author has never seen the term “proof reader” or “editor” before.

Here, let me stop ranting and instead give you a few actual quotes from the book:

“When f–king another drakyl, he could come for fifteen to twenty minutes.” (Kindle Loc. 512) No, seriously, gross?

“Mid-day, he was awakened from his form of sleep which was to lay still and not move even as his mind went over every possibility that could happen.” (Loc. 632) Yes, the entire book is filled with awkwardly-phrased sentences like this.

“Since he’d already dropped a tablet he had created over centuries of work into the bottoms of each bottle, their chemical reaction would stop the blood from thickening.” (Loc. 1030) Jaret is just so brilliant and special that he has, of course, created a magical tablet to do this.

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Look, the bottom line is, if you want to read a terrible romance with good vampires vs. evil vampires, you’d be better off reading Twilight than this.

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